Never Letting That Number Own Your Life

In the last post I talked about body positivity and how important it can be. I touched briefly on my reason for loving the body positivity movement, but let's admit it, it was real brief! I have been doing a lot of thinking about whether to write another post about my struggles and like my friend Katelyn mentioned, it could end up helping someone. Who knows! But, I'm willing to give it a go. So, without further ado here is my struggle with those numbers on a scale.

Boys and weight are always on a girl's mind during those teenage years. I was insecure about my body and a few comments made by people made it worse. College was better, but that's also because everyone is worried about being an adult and many have grown out of making fun of others. Though, these changes didn't quite help my insecurities or how I pictured my body. It's not like I was trying to lose weight either. I didn't have a reason to or a want. Working out? I didn't have time for that. Classes, work, and sleep was all I needed until there was a boy.

Doesn't everything happen because of a boy? In this case it did. A boy that had been dear to my heart for a very long time was going to be graduating from bootcamp in a couple of months and his mother was flying me down. In my mind, I had to look good on the outside. I couldn't be overly fat, though many would say 190 pounds isn't fat at all. To me, I was a whale. I'm not really sure what I did to get down to 175 pounds before my trip. I know I did some working out, but food wise, your guess is as good as mine. Did losing 15 pounds help my body image? Nope, it was still the same and even worse since this was the first time I'd be meeting him. There was a lot nervousness and anxiety. But, everything worked out and now we're married, hehe.

To him, my body is perfect and we love to be complimented but it doesn't change how you feel about yourself. Since his graduation day in June 2013, I lost another 10  pounds before visiting him again and getting engaged. Another 10 pounds didn't change my thinking. It helped, but scales and sizes of clothes can make a good day into a bad one. It always did for me. After that visit in September 2013, I went back home and began to diet again but this time it was more drastic.

The calories I was taking in were below the minimum anyone should consume. I was eating less than 1,000 calories a day. I wanted to look good for my wedding that was in March. What girl doesn't want to look good in a dress in front of people? At this point, I wasn't working out anymore. I was only focused on calories and eating as little as possible. Did I know this was bad for my body? Not exactly, and at that point I didn't care. Of course, I lost weight and before I got married I was down to 142 pounds. It didn't stay off for long because I deprived myself for so long everything I didn't eat before I began to eat, and it wasn't in moderation. I stuffed my face!

After the wedding, I moved away from my family and my weight went back up to 170 pounds from really poor eating and not working out at all. I knew I needed to do something again and I tried to eat a really low calorie diet but I couldn't stick to it. I would binge eat, especially when my husband wasn't home and then decided to vomit after. So, for a few months I became bulimic. The numbers on the scale were never the numbers I wanted to see. Nothing was working and it was frustrating! Everything I was doing to my body was terrible, I know that. I was desperate and desperate times call for drastic measures. Or so, that's what my mind was telling me.

It finally dawned on me that the only way I was going to make a difference was to start eating better and not deprive myself. I began to try and focus on macros (IIFYM or If It Fits Your Macros) and adding more fruits and vegetables. I even talked to a nutritionist to get some advice. Currently I am at 151 pounds and healthier than I was at 142 pounds and I have muscle! I'm trying to not focus on that number though. I went from weighing myself everyday to weighing maybe twice a month. I don't want that number to bring me back to a dark place where I want to throw up or eat less. I now know about BMR and what is healthy. I don't want to go back to my old ways. The mind is such a tricky thing. Those voices telling you that you're fat and you aren't good enough can really get you down. Even now after dealing with all that and eating better, I still have those voices but I don't let them tell me how to feel anymore. You have control over your mind. You can look in the mirror and tell yourself you are amazing. beautiful, and great just the way you are! When you start telling yourself that, sooner or later you will begin to believe it. It may not seem easy but what's the other option? Being miserable? No, thanks! 

Eating healthier and working out are a step in the right direction to a healthy life, but we can't forget our mind. It'll help motivate you, determine how you feel about yourself, and keep pushing when your legs say no. I've struggled in the past and may struggle in the future, but only I can determine how I will handle it. Sometimes, you have to tell those little voices to shut up and keep going! 

Weightloss Journey Take Two!

In February 2013 I set out to lose weight. Through out that year it was a struggle to actual stick to any plans that I came up with when it came to fitness and eating right. Even with these struggles, I managed to lose almost 30lbs in time to go see my now husband graduate from bootcamp. Vacation always screws up plans, but I tried to stay away from as much junk food as possible. I managed to keep my weight the same.
After that, I returned home and continued my weightloss. I had stopped working out and decided I was just going to eat as little as possible. I began to only eat about 900-1000 calories a day. Many know that is unhealthy and even though I knew that I didn't care. I did't worry about cutting out unhealthy foods or eating fast food. I only worried about the calories. From about December 2013 to the beginning of March 2014 I managed to get my weight down to 142lbs! That is the smallest I have ever been that I can actually remember. Obviously, I did it the incorrect way and it caught up with me.
Early March I got married and quickly put back on 20lbs in the months to follow because I hadn't changed my habits. I ate what I wanted and I had stopped counting the calories. Now, I am on take two of my journey and I'm doing great!
I have realized that eating that low of calories was very unhealthy and it made my body feel weak. I am now eating about 1500 calories in a day. I may not be losing weight as quickly but I feel so much better! I am working out about 1-2 hours a day 6 days a week and resting on Sunday. It still has been a struggle to keep my plan but I am almost through week two and have dropped 4lbs! Motivation, old photos of who I was, and wanting to be healthy and strong keep me going. I know what I am capable of and I will continue to push myself each and every day.