Never Letting That Number Own Your Life

In the last post I talked about body positivity and how important it can be. I touched briefly on my reason for loving the body positivity movement, but let's admit it, it was real brief! I have been doing a lot of thinking about whether to write another post about my struggles and like my friend Katelyn mentioned, it could end up helping someone. Who knows! But, I'm willing to give it a go. So, without further ado here is my struggle with those numbers on a scale.

Boys and weight are always on a girl's mind during those teenage years. I was insecure about my body and a few comments made by people made it worse. College was better, but that's also because everyone is worried about being an adult and many have grown out of making fun of others. Though, these changes didn't quite help my insecurities or how I pictured my body. It's not like I was trying to lose weight either. I didn't have a reason to or a want. Working out? I didn't have time for that. Classes, work, and sleep was all I needed until there was a boy.

Doesn't everything happen because of a boy? In this case it did. A boy that had been dear to my heart for a very long time was going to be graduating from bootcamp in a couple of months and his mother was flying me down. In my mind, I had to look good on the outside. I couldn't be overly fat, though many would say 190 pounds isn't fat at all. To me, I was a whale. I'm not really sure what I did to get down to 175 pounds before my trip. I know I did some working out, but food wise, your guess is as good as mine. Did losing 15 pounds help my body image? Nope, it was still the same and even worse since this was the first time I'd be meeting him. There was a lot nervousness and anxiety. But, everything worked out and now we're married, hehe.

To him, my body is perfect and we love to be complimented but it doesn't change how you feel about yourself. Since his graduation day in June 2013, I lost another 10  pounds before visiting him again and getting engaged. Another 10 pounds didn't change my thinking. It helped, but scales and sizes of clothes can make a good day into a bad one. It always did for me. After that visit in September 2013, I went back home and began to diet again but this time it was more drastic.

The calories I was taking in were below the minimum anyone should consume. I was eating less than 1,000 calories a day. I wanted to look good for my wedding that was in March. What girl doesn't want to look good in a dress in front of people? At this point, I wasn't working out anymore. I was only focused on calories and eating as little as possible. Did I know this was bad for my body? Not exactly, and at that point I didn't care. Of course, I lost weight and before I got married I was down to 142 pounds. It didn't stay off for long because I deprived myself for so long everything I didn't eat before I began to eat, and it wasn't in moderation. I stuffed my face!

After the wedding, I moved away from my family and my weight went back up to 170 pounds from really poor eating and not working out at all. I knew I needed to do something again and I tried to eat a really low calorie diet but I couldn't stick to it. I would binge eat, especially when my husband wasn't home and then decided to vomit after. So, for a few months I became bulimic. The numbers on the scale were never the numbers I wanted to see. Nothing was working and it was frustrating! Everything I was doing to my body was terrible, I know that. I was desperate and desperate times call for drastic measures. Or so, that's what my mind was telling me.

It finally dawned on me that the only way I was going to make a difference was to start eating better and not deprive myself. I began to try and focus on macros (IIFYM or If It Fits Your Macros) and adding more fruits and vegetables. I even talked to a nutritionist to get some advice. Currently I am at 151 pounds and healthier than I was at 142 pounds and I have muscle! I'm trying to not focus on that number though. I went from weighing myself everyday to weighing maybe twice a month. I don't want that number to bring me back to a dark place where I want to throw up or eat less. I now know about BMR and what is healthy. I don't want to go back to my old ways. The mind is such a tricky thing. Those voices telling you that you're fat and you aren't good enough can really get you down. Even now after dealing with all that and eating better, I still have those voices but I don't let them tell me how to feel anymore. You have control over your mind. You can look in the mirror and tell yourself you are amazing. beautiful, and great just the way you are! When you start telling yourself that, sooner or later you will begin to believe it. It may not seem easy but what's the other option? Being miserable? No, thanks! 

Eating healthier and working out are a step in the right direction to a healthy life, but we can't forget our mind. It'll help motivate you, determine how you feel about yourself, and keep pushing when your legs say no. I've struggled in the past and may struggle in the future, but only I can determine how I will handle it. Sometimes, you have to tell those little voices to shut up and keep going! 

Body Positivity

Well, it has been quite some time since I sat down and wrote a post. I hadn't thought of any good topics to talk about and quite frankly politics, which are always on my mind, just don't get me started! Haha.

Anyways, the topic at hand today is body positivity. It has become a movement in the last couple of months with more women being confident in their skin, whether they are on the larger or smaller side. Shows like, My Big Fat Fabulous Life really help reach out to the ones who are unsure about what they see in the mirror. Whitney Thore is so confident in her skin while being close to 400lbs. I've never been confident ever! It's impressive to me and yet, it makes me question myself and why I haven't had any confidence.

My weight didn't effect my thinking until I decided to go to public school after being home-schooled from 7th-10th grade. I can only think of a few instances where someone had mentioned my weight in those times and yeah, it hurt but I was still growing up and it really didn't bother me. But, once you're in an environment with other teenagers and around boys, who doesn't feel insecure? I know I'm not the only one! You just throw a smile on your face and try to walk it off.

 Now a days, it seems that more people have issues with their bodies or rude comments being made towards their appearance. Even when someone is confident in their own body someone still feels the need to try and break them down. But, at some point you have to realize there will always be a Negative Nancy out there who wants to bring people down. Their opinions shouldn't matter, why? Because who cares what others think of your body, it's yours! Feel how you want to feel! Everyone has the right to feel beautiful.

Everyone has their own opinion of what the perfect body looks like. Social media does, you do, and I do but the only opinion that should matter is yours. And remember, there is no such thing as perfect.

Our society has become so intertwined with the sizes on clothing or the number on the scale. Why are we letting those insignificant numbers define us? Is that going to give us the self worth we desire? Not at all! Those numbers will keep decreasing and some will never be happy. If you keep seeing yourself as fat and keep telling yourself that everyday then what are you going to believe? That little voice in your head will always win over the voices from people around you, believe me. I've been there and one day you have to say enough is enough.

Body Positivity starts with yourself. If you want to lose weight I'm not saying don't. I still have plans to drop a few pounds but I'm not going to let the scale control my life or when I go out to dinner with friends or my husband. Another thing to remember is, confidence shines and can be contagious. Don't let anyone bring you down!

I'll end there since I feel like I'm rambling, teehee. Just remember, beauty is in the eye of the beholder and everyone deserves to feel beautiful (or handsome :p).

-JNB